The Wedding Doesn't Make the Marriage

By Lisa Carpenter

Lisa Carpenter is a freelance writer. She lives and learns in Colorado, in the shadow of Pikes Peak, along with her husband and three teenage daughters.

I have attended some spectacular weddings. I’ve seen the bride arrive by horse and buggy, her groom on horseback. I watched as expensively attired attendants – 12 on the bride’s side and 12 on the groom’s – lined the road to matrimony for one happy couple. And I “oohed” and “aahed” along with the other spectators when butterflies and balloons took flight as another set of newlyweds sped away in a vintage automobile. Too bad none of those marriages lasted. Some couples filed for divorce before the wedding bills were paid in full. After witnessing so many weddings that turned out to be long on extravagance and short on substance, it is clear that many spouses-to-be spend more time planning the wedding than they do planning the marriage. With divorce rates hovering around 50%, it makes sense to put more thought – and money – into preparing for life after the honeymoon than we do on the nuptial celebrations. What’s Beneath the Fluff? The U.S. bridal market is an annual $40 billion industry. We're led to believe that expensive dresses, exotic flowers and layers of luscious cake are the components of a dream wedding. But they’re not very important ingredients for a successful union. The most vital factor in establishing a long-term relationship is the choice of mate. Prospective spouses should thoughtfully consider if they honestly want to spend the rest of their lives with one another. Are each person’s flaws and imperfections acceptable to the other? Do they not only love one another, but truly like each other, too? Also, how much does the couple have in common? Opposites may attract but it’s the individuals who have several things in common that stay together. Are there common values, philosophies, role expectations, backgrounds and goals that will help weather the inevitable rocky times? Reality vs. Romance Discussing the specific details and expectations of married life may slightly dampen the starry-eyed spirit of an engaged couple. But it may be the most relationship-preserving discussion partners have. Couples would be wise to consider the following before trying on dresses and taste-testing wedding cakes: Are we secure in our love for one another? Is our fighting style effective? Am I prepared to put the needs of my spouse ahead of those of my friends and parents? Are friends and family supportive of the union? Where do we stand on the issue of having and raising children? Is drug or alcohol abuse an issue for either partner? What are our specific goals for the next year? Five years? Ten years? One Recipe for Success The essence of a successful marriage is best summed up in the words of author Antoine de Saint-Exupery: Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. Be certain that you and your mate are looking outward together and a “happily-ever-after” is more likely to follow.

Additional Resources

Should We Stay Together, by Jeffrey H. Larson (Jossey-Bass, $25)

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