| Even When They Seem Like Rebels Without a Clue |
From day one, it seems, children are bent on expressing their individuality. Each one comes with his or her own distinct personality and with that first 'No' (usually occurring during the terrible two's), they are declaring their personal autonomy.
When children become teenagers, their declarations of independence can look a lot like rebellion - purple hair, gothic-style makeup or multiple ear piercings ? but usually are nothing more than the teens' attempts, "to try on different personas to see which ones fit," according to Felicia Carroll, a psychotherapist in Santa Barbara, California.
The most notable period in the process of what experts call individuation begins around age 12 when children start to think abstractly, and continues through age 16, give or take a few months. Although ties to the family are still quite strong, adolescents need to separate themselves from their parents. At this point the peer group becomes more important than family, Carroll said. |
| Parents Aren't Meant to 'Get It' |
?They?re very open at this stage to other role models. They?re looking to other people to help define who they are.? In our culture, she added, role models such as those in the music and film industries often demonstrate behavior that parents find frightening.
?And some of it needs to be scary to adults,? Carroll explained. Some individuals held up as role models don?t contribute to children?s well-being.
?But some of it, too, is zany ? from dying hair to gothic makeup. Kids are trying on different selves to find out who they are.? These, she continued, don?t necessarily indicate anything more than the natural separation process.
?The parent has to look at it in the context of the child?s entire behavior. Is she still washing the dishes after dinner? Is she doing her schoolwork and meeting responsibilities??
Pink hair is superficial and transitory, and if it isn?t part of a general decline in respectfulness and responsibility, it probably isn?t worth worrying about.
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| Finding a Balance Within Your Boundaries |
Carroll referred to what a colleague of hers calls ?the circle of expanding freedom? and ?the circle of expanding responsibility? in offering advice on accommodating teenagers? need to individuate. ?Parents have to keep expanding the circle of freedom at the same time they?re expanding their circle of responsibility,? she said.
?Freedom is balanced with responsibility. You expand your teenager?s freedom to go out with friends, but give him the responsibility of meeting a curfew.? If the child can?t maintain the responsibility, then the freedom is too great and has to be more limited.
The balancing act between freedom and responsibility is especially important given the fact that some actions, particularly those involving alcohol, drugs and tattoo parlors, can have permanent consequences. Teenagers tend not to consider the lifelong repercussions their actions can have. Parents have gained this wisdom over the years but can?t completely control their children?s actions.
?We have to weigh our concerns and our anxieties with allowing children the space they need,? Carroll said. ?That?s how we can determine how much freedom is too much." ?
Part of adolescence is parents setting boundaries about how to be in the world and the child pushing against them. "If the parent doesn?t provide boundaries, the child will look somewhere else.?
Parents must be clear in their values and what they will tolerate. To the child who wants a tattoo, the parent might say, "No, you can?t get a permanent tattoo but you can get a temporary one." Or to the child who wants to experiment with body piercing, the parent might respond, "No, you can?t get your belly button pierced but you can get more pierces on your ears." |
| Be Involved With Your Kids |
| ?Be involved with your kids,? Carroll advises, ?be interested in what they?re interested in. And let some of the goofy things go on.? |
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When you simply can?t abide something ? a particular music CD, perhaps ? express your feelings in a non-judgmental way such as, ?I don?t feel good about this and I don?t want it in our home.? It?s a powerful statement, but doesn?t entirely prohibit the child from the experience. Then explain what you don?t like about music and why you?d rather your child not listen to it.
And if you get an argument, remind your teenager that, in Carroll?s words, ?as long as I?m the one supervising this home, this is my decision. When you?re 18 and supervising your own home you can decide something else.? |
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